Tuesday, September 25, 2012

10 Things to Never Say to a Pregnant/Parent Military Spouse

(R's birth with my husband on the phone a few days after he arrived in Afghanistan. Firstborn.)

10 Things to Never Say to a Pregnant/Parent Military Spouse:

1. Are you afraid your [deployed] husband will never see the baby?

In fact, yes, but thank you for harping on the obvious.

2. Your husband isn't deploying again, right?

Nope. The Army said since we've had a baby he never has to do his job again. We'll still be collecting full pay and benefits.

3. They're done in Iraq so you don't have to worry about being all alone with the baby!

That's right. Afghanistan is a cakewalk.

4. It's your first baby so they won't make him deploy with the rest of the unit. He'll get to stay back for the birth and be with you, I'm sure.

You're surely wrong. As are the 10 other guys' wives hoping Rear D will pull them at the last second. We birth alone.

5. How many more are you going to have while he's in?

As many as the clown car can pop out. Free health care, you know?

6. Aren't you worried Baby will grow up and join the military?

Devastating thought. I'm just so ashamed of what my husband does and all that our family stands for that I have nightmares about my child joining the Armed Forces. I hope Baby is a defense lawyer.

7. It has to be hard knowing your husband will come home to kids he doesn't really know.

You're right. He never asks about what Thing 1 and Thing 2 are doing.

8. What do you and the kids do while your husband is deployed?

Sit in a corner and poke dust bunnies. We have no daily lives while he is away. The times he is home and working 03:45-17:30 with ranges on weekends, classes and JRTC - we do the exact same thing.

9. When are y'all getting out so the kids get some stability?

You mean so we can pay for lesser health insurance, get a minimum of half the paid vacation time, pay for our own moves, pay more taxes and wait for my husband to use his GI and 9/11 Bills before finding a brand new career without any years in? I'm sure my kids look forward to it. We tire every day of this heinous enlistment.

10. Is your husband going to change jobs when he comes home to something safer so you don't have to worry about being a single parent?

Yes. In the Army, you are free to wake up one morning and request a completely different job with zero ramifications and it's effective immediately. I know my husband's Command would be uber excited that he up and took off to leave the line in order to fly a desk. It also looks excellent on his ERB.

Okay, so I derailed a bit and included "kids" instead of just "Baby" because I was asked more once there were multiple children involved, but there you have my experience with questions. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Nearly a year late(r)

Super long story somewhat shorter: Daddy returned to Afghanistan almost 7 months ago. Two weeks ago I took the landlocked, Colorado native duo to the beach for the very first time. Think the gremlins enjoyed it immensely. 

Dictator Baby is now Tyrannical Toddler. She wears the new hat well. Also thieves from the garbage can regularly, thus Mom implementing the haunting plea "stop eating out of the garbage!"

Daddy received a promotion. According to the Fivebucks Fan, Daddy is away "fighting the bad guys." We never told her that. They sure pick up on subtleties. 

Aforementioned Fivebucks Fan has really benefited from a warmer climate, where there are animals present instead of snow. I can't say that said animals have "benefited" exactly. Most were good sports.

The stray-that-stayed gets regular playtime with the girls. He's very patient. He also makes a good patient. And a good corpse to practice a chalk outline? 

Toast has no regard for his own safety. Nor does he get tired of being found or resort to doing cat-like things, like hiding under beds. I've quit feeling sorry on his behalf. He must prefer the attention. Suffer on, feline imbecile. 

We've had a number of water-filled days. Remember, toddlers need regular watering. Safety is no accident.

Tyrannical Toddler has been out of commission on and off for a few months with extremely high fevers of unknown origin. She's been fever free almost 7 weeks. 

Tomorrow will surely bring another morning, afternoon and possibly evening of cicada hunting adventures. Heaven forbid we somehow miss one. On that note, Mom should be well rested for the occasion. It won't be another year before next update. Hopefully. Probably not. Highly unlikely. This 8 ball is sleepy.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Fivebucks lover

Toddler has gotten into this whole Starbucks thing. Any time we go through the drive-thru all I hear from the third row is, "Cookie? Momma, I want a cookie, please?!" Of course, Daddy's cake pop will also do.

Infant is starting to allow other people to hold and entertain her. Note: you must be of the entertaining sort or she will come to the conclusion that Mommy needs to be found ASAP. 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Let's have a picnic

This afternoon we returned from running errands and Toddler said, "C'mon, Daddy. Let's go to my room and have a picnic." So, there was a picnic. Many stuffed animals were in attendance. I heard it was a good time. 

Daddy ended up seating most of the guests. Puppy Puppet was the entertainer of the bunch.

This is where Dad resigns himself to the fact that Daddy's Girl is also a fan of picnics and, possibly, tea parties. Have fun with that one, Daddy! 

Infant's bath is a very good pirate ship. A hilarious one, at that.

Leave it to my kid to try and have a shower in the middle of Home Depot. Luckily, she didn't go down the toilet display aisle.  

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Finders Eaters

Pretty certain the bread didn't come that way, unless the company has a large rodent problem. I seem to have a large Toddler problem. 

This is the face I get when I move further than the approved two foot radius from the Infant. It's like some sort of protective forcefield (or is it a black hole?) and once you move out of it, all is not well. 

Further proof that said forcefield exists. Once I moved back into its embrace, the Infant was, once again, at peace with the World. It's good to be informed of limitations. I'd hate to unwittingly put myself in danger of disappearing - or whatever else happens - when One leaves the protection for too long.  

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

First Solids

I decided it was possible to run to the bathroom during breakfast this morning, only to hear a notorious maniacal laugh coming from the kitchen. It could only mean on thing: disaster. 

I was correct. Infant turned five months old today (Happy Five Months!). Seems she was also introduced to her first solid food. Thank you, Toddler.  I do believe the American Academy of Pediatrics begs to differ.

Monday, September 5, 2011

The Catch Up

Last week Toddler was hospitalized a couple days after petting a dog. She had a severe reaction which led to her airway swelling shut. 

 The hospital ward treated her very well. It'll be a few more days before her life is back to normal, but she's getting there. 

"Look, Momma! I shower. All clean." Well, at least she is not yet physically tall enough to actually turn on the shower. I'm guessing it won't be long before Miss figures out a way around that handicap. 

This is why Mom is in charge of hairstyles and not Dad. The vacuum is not an appropriate styling tool. I don't care what Papa says, it's not an all-purpose piece of equipment. 

I have two more thieves in my garden. Between my husband and the caterpillars, I am not sure how much longer I will have a dill supply. That plant is no longer with us.

Infant will be five months old this week. I can't seem to recall when the explosive diapers really stop, but right now it seems like a very distant future. You forget how much laundry goes along with something so tiny (and loud). 

The Opportunist, Toast. Toddler's car seat needed a thorough cleaning after her rush trip to the Emergency Room and all the ralphing that occurred on the way there. And now it needs a good lint brush to resolve that awful hairball problem. Oh, right, that's Toast sitting there.

Toddler Opportunist. Although, I suppose it is perfectly acceptable payback she uses something of the Feline Opportunists in order to gain her own achievements after what he did to her seat cover. One must say goodbye to the Piggies prior to leaving for evening Church services. Bless them.